Fall for you
by Unity2008
Summary: Nick and Greg discover that sometimes what is not said is what means the most. Spoilers through all current US airings.


Fall for you

This story was inspired by a song, but not traditionally song fic. I ran out of steam in this one because I was playing with the idea of alternating points of view. Let me know what you think! I might be inclined to continue in the universe, or I might just go do something else with my toys!

I don't own any of them – wish I did, then I'd get paid for playing with them

Rated M maybe….not a hard M

Nick/Greg SLASH - not your thing, go fins something that is please!

I sit on the sidelines, aware that I would willingly offer up my life for him if he asked, if he needed, but knowing that he will never know how I feel. I stare at the evidence before me in more ways than one. There is always evidence that needs to be processed – physical evidence that will, if I am lucky, help to remove a dangerous person from society. But there is also evidence that I have already processed, and that is evidence that tells me I will never be for him what I want to be. So I take what I can get and give to him what he will let me give. I look up at him across the table, and when I meet his eyes, I smile. But my heart breaks just a little more.

The silence is deafening to me now. At one time, I enjoyed it, but ever since the incident I prefer to be surrounded by noise. That was what I used to hate about working with Greg – the constant noise. Perhaps hate is too strong of a word. I could never hate anything about Greg. But it did used to annoy me. Now, I would give anything to have that back. He has changed as well. He has had his own incidents, and they have subdued him, stripped him of his childish innocence. I would give anything to give that back to him. I can't, though. We are colleagues, friends, even, but nothing more. It's not that I don't wish that we could be something more. But it's impossible. I've been taught to follow the evidence. The evidence never lies. He looks up at me and smiles. I return his smile, and my heart bleeds.

There's something troubled in his smile, but I can't ask him what it is. Whenever I push for him to open up and reveal his feelings, he seems to push me even further away. I don't want his anger, and I fear his wrath. I don't fear for myself, at least not in a physical sense. He would never hurt me that way. Not like the lab explosion that left me scarred on the outside, and not even like the James boy whose death left more of a mark on me than the fists of his posse. But there are various degrees of pain, and the loss of Nick's friendship would be a pain that would break me. So I don't say a word because I don't want to fight tonight.

I wish that he would break the silence, but I know that he won't just as clearly as I know that the reason he won't is entirely my fault. He has tried in the past, and I have pushed him away. It's not because I don't want him to get close. I do, more than anything else in this world. But I can't let him, and he thinks that it's his fault. It's not. It's mine. I wish that I could bridge this gap between us, but all we do is fight whenever he tries. So I get up and cross the room and turn on the radio because I don't want to fight tonight.

The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting  
Could it be that we have been this way before

Nick never turns on the radio when we are working, and it surprises me that he has chosen this station instead of his usual country fare. It's ironic the song that spills forth, like somehow fate just has to have another laugh at my expense. As if loving someone who can never return that love isn't enough. Or bearing the scars that have turned my body into a relief map of alien lands. Or seeing that boy die, regardless of his sins, and knowing that I was the one who killed him. I look up just in time to catch Nick's eye. He is staring at me, only he isn't smiling any longer. When he catches my eye, what I see there is desperation and I try with every fiber of my being to let him know with just one look that I will not hurt him if he'd only just try…

I know you don't think that I am trying  
I know you're wearing thin down to the core

I want to try. Lord knows what I want more than anything in this world is to walk over to the man before me, look him in the eye, and tell him just how much he means to me. In my dreams, I do this and he opens his arms and gathers me close to him, accepts me, damaged goods that I am. We make love in my dreams. He touches me, caresses me, and there is no shame, no fear, only perfect adoration. The reality is, he probably wouldn't welcome me with open arms, but he wouldn't discard me either. He's not from Texas. Where he comes from the cops don't beat you close to death just for being gay, and they don't let child molesters free just because they are female and heterosexual . He's caught me staring at him now, and I know he wants me to talk to him, doesn't think that I try to open up to him when he questions me, but I can't take that risk. Probably isn't good enough except for when I look up and maybe it's a trick of the light, or maybe its too many double shifts, or maybe it's this stupid song playing on the radio but what I see when I look in his eyes makes me feel safer than I ever have before.

But hold your breath  
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you  
Over again  
Don't make me change my mind

I don't know what gave me the courage to reach out to him in that moment, but I found that my body was acting on its own. One minute we were across the room from each other, and the next I was striding toward him in what seemed like slow motion, holding out my hand to him and he's taking it. It's just a gentle squeeze, a quick moment of contact, but there is something unsaid there, and somehow I am finding my voice, telling him that we've been at it for too long. It's time to call it a night, come back again tomorrow with a fresh perspective. This is one of those defining moments, and you're not supposed to realize that when you are living in the middle of one, but I do. We are walking through the parking lot and I am climbing into Nick's truck even though my car is less than twenty yards away. He hasn't said a word to me, but he hasn't pushed me away, so when we arrive at his apartment I follow him inside, standing there silently as he closes the door, turns toward me and collapses sobbing in my arms that were waiting there to catch him of their own volition.

This is not what I intended  
I always swore to you i'd never fall apart  
You always thought that I was stronger  
I may of failed  
But I have loved you from the start

I have dreamed of this moment so many times, but never did I imagine that it would be like this, with me sobbing brokenly in his arms, whispering apologies and pouring out everything that I have kept locked inside me for so long. I love you. I'm ashamed. Damaged. Faggot. Queer. Scared of the dark, insects, tight spaces. Panic attacks, nightmares and baby sitters grabbing my dick and shoving it down her throat and I came so I had to like it so fucked up. Get away from me now before it's too late. Poison. I'll drown you, kill you like Kristy. Don't hate me. Don't hate me. Only he's not pulling away, he's holding on tighter and stroking my hair. But I can't breathe, can't stop the cycle of images playing out in my head. Then he is pulling away and I know I've destroyed it all, ruined the one good thing left in my life. But he hasn't gone far. He's taken my chin and tipped it up. He's telling me to open my eyes.

But hold your breath  
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you  
Over again  
Don't make me change my mind

I knew he was hurting, knew that deep down something was wrong, but I had no idea the depth of his pain. I've always wanted this moment, wished it were possible that he could declare his love for me, fall for me. But not like this. He is falling apart and trusting me to pick up the pieces, and I don't know how. He's pushing me away again but clinging on to me at the same time, and I know that if I don't get it right this time I will never have another chance. Then it dawns on me. I know what I need to do. I need to bear my own scars, let him see the ugliness. My body is acting on its own, pulling gently away from his grip. I have taken off my shirt, exposing flesh that is damaged forever, crisscrossed with vivid red and white lines. No one has seen them outside of nurses and doctors. I haven't let anyone see them. Not my family, not a lover. I haven't had any lovers since the explosion. I hold my breath and stand bared before him when I lift his chin and tell him to open his eyes.

So breathe in so deep  
Breathe me in  
I'm yours to keep  
And hold onto your words  
Cuz talk is cheap  
And remember me tonight  
When your asleep

I open my eyes even though every fiber of my being tells me to run and what I see before me causes my heart to catch in my chest. Later he asked me what I thought when I saw them for the first time, but I couldn't remember because they weren't what captivated me. It was his eyes, brimming over with unshed tears but also filled with open, honest love. It was like nothing I had ever seen or felt, and I trembled, waivered on the precipice and fell.

"Breathe, Greg" the ghost of a smile graces his lips, but now he is the one who is afraid.

"Nick, the scars, I…."

"Shhhh. "

And then I am reaching out for him, tracing the lines that cover his flesh with my fingertips, rapt in concentration. I had imagined what he would look like, wanted to touch him, but the reality was far different from the fantasy. My fingers moved on their own accord, and I traced the path on his flesh of the words that expressed all that I was feeling "I love you." Greg's eyes grew impossibly wider as he brought his hand up to intertwine his fingers with mine. Then I found myself wrapped once again in the shelter of his strong arms, felt him guiding me to the sofa, lowering me to it then following me down so that his body completely covered my own. There was no explosive first kiss, no fevered round of intense sex, only safety and comfort and the realization that I would remember this and hold on to it as I slept, waking up to a tomorrow filled with promise.


End file.
